Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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