The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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