my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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