I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
