What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
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I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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