Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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