I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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