Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
