i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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