somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
