If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
