This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
