He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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