the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
