god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize