I wish they made helmets for livers.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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