Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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