My liver just broke up with me...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
How external is "for external use only"?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
