Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
