At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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