tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
