maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
