the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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