I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
