The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
