allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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