which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
