did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
no, he came in my armpit
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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