Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
