Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
