My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
