What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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