You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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