I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
