I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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