tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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