So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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