R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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