I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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