If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
