god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
