i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't deserve a penis
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
