Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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