God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
