Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
