naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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