so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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