she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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