she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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