I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
