what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
