I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
