Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Randomize
