I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
