please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
