You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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