rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
