I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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